Ends vs. means: negotiations tips, from the book of Daniel

Did you ever have a disagreement with a co-worker, customer or boss about something the other person wanted you to do, but you didn't want to do it, because of good reasons you had? Did you ever think about how to handle that situation better?

My favorite source of advice for this situation comes from , of all places, the Bible--in particular, the Old Testament book of Daniel. The events in Daniel take place during the time the people of Israel were captured and taken in captivity to the city of Babylon. Among those taken was, of course, Daniel. Because he was young and of good appearance, the king selected Daniel to be in a program that groomed him for service in the kingdom--think of it as a early version of "The Apprentice." There was only one problem, though: part of this program involved a diet set by the king. This diet, however, contained food that Daniel objected to on religious grounds.

The lower level official in charge of the young men argued with Daniel about this matter. He insisted that Daniel eat the royal food, because if he didn't, the official would literally lose his head.

Does this sound familiar? The other person has a good reason for wanting you to do something. You have an equally good reason for not wanting to do it. So, how did Danile solve the problem, and what can we learn?

It turns out that the real fear of the official was that Daniel, by not eating the royal food, would look worse than the other young men. When Daniel learned this fact, he proposed an alternate arrangement to the official: for ten days, Daniel would eat only vegetables and drink only water. If, at the end of that time, Daniel looked bad, he would begin the royal diet. If, however, Daniel looked as good as the others, Daniel would be allowed to keep that vegetables and water diet.

You guessed it: Daniel looked even BETTER than the others, and could continue his own diet.

What's the point here? First, don't get caught up in the "means." Look at the "ends" as well. If the only options are eating royal food vs. not eating royal food, then there's no good solution. Someone has to win and someone has to lose. However, each side had a different "end" or objective: Daniel wanted to keep his diet and the official wanted to keep his head. Daniel's idea allowed BOTH objectives to be met.

For example, suppose a co-worker or boss wants you to "cut corners" on a project or falsify a report. Ask the other person if the objective can be met some other way that doesn't involve questionable actions.

Thinking this way helps you maintain your integrity while keeping good relations with the other person.